-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He he also tops his shot and it runs along the ground toward the pond. Chief: What sort of problem? His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One more and I'll have a basketball team." A boat comes along and asks to help him. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. O.P. The couple sat and waited for an answer. for a couple of months. The particle replies "you can't have mass without me. Protestant or Catholic?" Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. Others were so-so thanks for the good laugh though! Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this. "Religious." Score: 12. A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. See more ideas about catholic jokes, catholic, catholic humor. I am offended. A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." I said, "Me too! God is watching the hot dogs. The abbot asks . I didnt mean to come on so strong. What did the volcano say to express his love to his girlfriend? You're not helping matters at all. Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one.". "Me too! A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. You need to be a member in order to leave a comment. The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law." Lent.'. Laughter unites us. 25. Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God" I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. The priest answers, Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it." Don't worry about it too much; God forgives." He tops his shot and it goes screaming along the ground toward the lake. I said, "Don't jump." When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. Design byPerceptions Design Studio. 42 Hilarious Catholic Puns - Punstoppable. All Rights Reserved. Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' "Father, my dear old dog is dead. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. The man wreaks of stale beer and cigarette smoke, his tie is stained, his shirt filthy, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer? Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face. Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. Bacon proves God has a sense of humor. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. A drunk man sits down on a subway train next to a Catholic priest. A good joke can bring healing to your soul. That makes it so convenient for your church members. Heckin' Funny Christian Memes For Christians And Non-Christians Alike (35 Memes) What's so funny about forbidden fruits? Alleluia, Alleluia. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want." I am in apartment 301. What was the stamp's way of confessing his love for the envelope? What if it doesn't work? Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos. An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. These are the one every dad needs to have on hand. Violets are blue. Don't do it!" and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. A Franciscan, Dominican, and a Jesuit walk into a bar. The priests says, "It begins at conception". When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father., The second Catholic women chirps, Well, my son is a Bishop. Here is a look at 10 of the best Christian jokes out there! While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? He asked the parrot: Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!" It's LATIN, RIGHT?" 26. A sense of humor is a gift from God. Facebook Twitter Pinterest WhatsApp. We are able to laugh at ourselves . Today's sermon: finding belly laughs in holy places. The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it "I have 17 wives. Man replies "Who is that?" For more information, please see our "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" By Also I have 30 first cousins. He asked the parrot: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had. A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.His parents were not religious but after a friends suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together. 7. "um" the priest stumbled "in my youth, once or twice" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" Next up is St. Peter. Some jokes are better than others. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. I ran over and said, "Stop! "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'" The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. "Then why are you telling me this?" This Hilarious Card Game Will Keep You In Holy Stitches (and Out of Confession)! You said it! Mr. Singh, is that you? The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please, please, please add your own good, CLEAN, Catholic jokes in the comments section. Matt Vander Vennet currently resides somewhere in central Illinois. "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. ", "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it! The local parish had a fairly new priest. 10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes. Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important. "You call yourself the 'God particle.' 19. "You come to the front door of the apartments. The burglar stopped dead again. I swear it." "Jesus said to John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." -He came fifth and received a toaster.". Moses takes his club, wields it like a staff, raises his arms and miraculously the waters part, the ball runs through and up onto the green. When u forget that none of your group chat went to Catholic school. The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!" A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. Have you ever actually tried it?" "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?" A young Jewish boy, being an obedient son, goes to the bakery to deliver a message from his mother to a very busy and very overworked baker. God, O.P. From jokes about priests and nuns to jokes about the Pope, we've got something for everyone. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?" I smell your grandmother's strudel!" "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. /r/Catholicism is a place to present new developments in the world of Catholicism, discuss theological teachings of the Catholic Church, provide an avenue for reasonable dialogue amongst people of all beliefs, and grow in our own spirituality. The abbot replies Great! GuardianoftheSacraments, After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters. People get ready, the 45 best Christian jokes are coming your way! If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him! As Catholics, having a sense of humor is part of being Christian. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. 8. 25 Lent Jokes Even Non-Catholics Can Enjoy. Man: "I'm 92 years old. The good news, responds the Holy Father. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean catholic religion dad jokes. Chief: Like the president? "What idiot named you Clarence?" Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. "Why shouldn't I?" 'OH, COME ON!!!' He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? Man: I'm telling everyone. A priest is drowning in a river. The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. What is it my son? the pope responds. Here is another one: Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbots office and says Waters cold. He said, "Protestant." "Oh no, Darby, look!" 8. He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912." As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it. asks the priest. that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. "Easy my son", he told me. One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, Thou shalt not kill., A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!" Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. Sincerely, 14. The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?" During nearly six decades in comedy, Joan Rivers insulted many with her caustic one-liners, but she was at her best when she directed her venom at herself. Could you be saying a Mass for him?" from Holy Apostles College & Seminary and an M.Phil from CUA. There is a big panel at the front door. St. Peter: Theres a dude standing outside who claims hes your representative on earth., God: I dont have a representative on earth, not that I know of Wait, Ill ask Jesus. (yells for Jesus), Jesus: Wait, Ill go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.. Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?" How do you know that atoms are Catholic? St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. TOR are Franciscans. Mike. Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' ", The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop." The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?" Via Pleated-Jeans 2. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! ________________ My Son Is Better Than Yours. As the boy goes into the booth he asks the priest, "What are you doing father?" The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs. A policeman notices and pulls him over. Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. I said, "Me too! ", An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one. He was frightened. This is the first time anyone has asked. #GrowingUpCatholic . as I pushed him off the bridge. Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles. Watch on. And the abbot replies, Figures! I have 17 wives. Man: "I'm jewish!" Catholic Humor - Pinterest. The first asked but was told no. "Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Jokes about Catholics proved particularly popular, and not just satirical gags about the sexual peccadillos of some Catholic priests, which dominated the final list of the 10 most offensive jokes. Finally, I asked a Rabbi. How long have you had arthritis?, The drunk man answered, Oh I dont have it, Father. So we have faith you'll find them as hilarious as us. -Do you know a . The rabbit takes a look around and says, I think Im a typo.. At Marias funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, At last, theyre finally together. [/quote] "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it . 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